Here’s the post rewritten from a collective perspective:
The Paradox of Desire: Learning to Hold Life Lightly
As a community, we recently gathered for a conversation that challenged everything we thought we knew about desire and enjoyment. The session was called “Have Your Cake and Eat It Too” – a title that perfectly captured the paradox we all face: How do we fully embrace life’s pleasures without becoming trapped by them?
Picture yourself driving to an important meeting. You’re running slightly late, and as you approach each traffic light, you feel that familiar tightness in your chest. “Please stay green,” you silently plead. Our facilitator Dan used this everyday scenario to illuminate how we create unnecessary suffering through attachment. We grip so tightly to preferred outcomes – even small ones like making a green light – that we miss the simple joy of the journey.
But what if there was another way? What if we could want things – success, love, recognition, even green lights – without being consumed by those wants?
This is where the conversation took an unexpected turn. Our facilitator Melanie dropped a truth bomb that left the room silent: “People pleasing is an attachment to outcome.” In that moment, we collectively realized how often we sacrifice our own peace in an attempt to control how others perceive us. It’s a subtle form of manipulation disguised as kindness, and it’s exhausting.
The discussion deepened as we explored the distinction between pleasure and enjoyment. While these might seem like synonyms, they point to fundamentally different experiences. Pleasure, we discovered, often comes from external sources – that perfect piece of cake, a massage, a glass of wine. There’s nothing inherently wrong with these pleasures, but they can create hooks that keep us coming back for more, seeking the next hit of satisfaction.
Enjoyment, on the other hand, bubbles up from within. It’s the difference between anxiously scheduling our next massage while we’re still on the table versus simply melting into the present moment, savoring each sensation. One participant described how she used to plan trips to exotic locations like Egypt, only to spend her time at the pyramids thinking about dinner plans. We all nodded in recognition – who hasn’t been guilty of missing the moment while planning the next one?
This led us to a beautiful concept: “desireless desire.” While it sounds like a contradiction, it points to the possibility of wanting something without being attached to getting it. Think of it like window shopping – we can admire everything in the display without needing to own it all. One participant shared how she and her partner now practice this with online shopping, filling their Amazon cart throughout the week but waiting until Saturday to decide what they actually need. Often, they find the mere act of selecting items satisfied the desire itself.
The real magic happened when we broke into smaller groups to discuss our personal attachments. We shared vulnerably about our relationships with work, alcohol, family obligations, and achievement. A common thread emerged: many of our attachments stem from seeking external validation or trying to control things beyond our influence.
As the session drew to a close, we began sharing our commitments to release specific attachments – from letting go of traffic frustrations to releasing the need for perfect business launches. One person decided to release their attachment to always being busy, while another chose to let go of obsessing over business metrics that were making them unhappy.
But perhaps the most powerful takeaway was this: we don’t need to stop wanting things or pursuing goals. Instead, we can learn to hold our desires more lightly, finding joy in the journey rather than fixating on destinations. It’s about maintaining our human desires and aspirations while understanding that our inner joy doesn’t depend on achieving specific outcomes.
In a world that constantly encourages attachment to outcomes, practices, and possessions, our conversation offered a refreshing perspective on how to live more freely and joyfully. Maybe we can have our cake and eat it too – not by controlling outcomes, but by learning to enjoy each moment fully while holding our desires lightly.
After all, isn’t that the sweetest way for us to live?
